


How can I love you when I can't love myself?

by Lady_Athena



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Aight I'm done, And it's affecting Richie, And it's not his fault, Bad parent Wentworth & Maggie Tozier, But Stanley loves him, But not to worry because Stanley is here, First Kiss, Getting Together, He wants to help Richie, He's a good boyfriend already, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Not entirely anyway, Richie Tozier Loves Stanley Uris, Richie is scared everyone will abandon him, Soft Stanley Uris, Stanley Uris Loves Richie Tozier, They are neglectful, They fifteen in this, They wanted a daughter, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, richie is a mess, soft boyfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:33:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23221018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Athena/pseuds/Lady_Athena
Summary: “Richard?” Stan called, thumping up the steps as the others followed him. He could hear the sound of David Bowie coming from Richie’s room as he cracked open the door. “Richie--What the fuck?” He asked.Richie was laying on his bed in just his boxers with the half-drunken bottle of vodka cradled in his fist, hanging off the side of his bed. Richie’s head sluggishly picked up as he looked to the others with a huge grin when he immediately sat up.“Staniel the manual! Welcome, I didn’t expect you today! Oh shit, you even brought some of the motley crew!” He laughs before he stood up and turned down his music. “Sup my dudes, what brings you over to mi casa?” He asked with a huge grin.“Richie, what in the world--are you drinking? You’re underage!” Eddie exclaims before covering his mouth and nose at the pungent smell of alcohol on Richie.“Age is but a number, dear Spaghetti.” Richie grins before handing over the bottle when Bev walked up to him.“And Jail is just a place.” Eddie resorted, making Richie snorts.
Relationships: Richie Tozier & Stanley Uris, Richie Tozier/Stanley Uris
Kudos: 112





	How can I love you when I can't love myself?

Richie loved to make his friends laugh. It made him feel like he was doing something right whenever any of the losers would laugh at his dumb jokes. Because if they were laughing… they wouldn’t find him annoying and they wouldn’t leave him.

Now, his parents were a sensitive subject for him. So he didn’t really care to talk about them. There was a part of him that was envious of others, seeing as they had parents who loved them. Richie’s parents tolerated him if they really had to, but most of the time they’d leave town for Wentworth’s job for months on end.

Richie was currently laying on his floor, staring at the ceiling. He was glad that it was summertime so he didn’t have to go to school. His parents had just left, saying they’d be gone for a least two weeks with some money on the table. So now he had the house to himself which depending on who you asked was a good or bad thing. 

He waited a few more minutes after they had left to make sure they didn’t have to come back for anything. The moment he knew the coast was clear, he stood up and went downstairs to raid the small liquor cabinet. Today was one of those days that he really needed something to stop the buzzing in his mind and alcohol was the best solution. 

Snagging the bottle of vodka from the wooden chest, Richie thumped back up the steps to his room before shutting the door. He pulled out his cassette player and popped in one of his mixtapes before flicking off the top of the bottle. He thumped down onto the edge of the bed as the music began to pour out from the speakers. 

The alcohol burned going down his throat, but god, did he love the warm feeling that bloomed throughout his chest. It replaced the cold dread that had been growing larger since his parents popped into his room this morning. It replaced the want for his parents to even pretend to act like they even cared about him once in a while. 

Richie fucking hated this feeling. It was so stupid how it affected his daily life because his parents wanted a girl and got a Richie instead. It was one thing to be ignored by them but it was an entirely different thing when they spoke about how beautiful a daughter would be. It was like they did it to get a rise out of Richie when in reality… It just made him upset. 

He didn’t tell the losers because he didn’t like to discuss personal shit… I mean he used humor to block out all the negative thoughts that tried to weasel their way into his head. His jokes are what kept him floating, kept him from breaking down because if they were laughing no one could see the tears in his eyes. 

Richie winced before taking a huge gulp of alcohol before coughing violently. He wiped at the moisture around his mouth before thumping the bottle onto the floor as he stood up. He looked around his room for the other cassette tapes unaware that he was going to get some unsuspected visitors. 

Stanley knocked on the Tozier’s door with Bev and Eddie behind him. They were going to invite Richie out to do some stuff, but no one had answered when they called earlier. So here they were, waiting for someone to answer the door but there was nothing.

“Maybe he just doesn’t want to hang out today.” Ben offers gently. 

“Trashmouth, open this fucking door, you ass!” Eddie shrieked beating on the door. 

Suddenly Stan reaches up for the small porch light, flicking open the small door and snagging the spare key Richie had told him about. He glanced at the losers who stared at him in shock before he unlocked the door and went inside. 

“Richard?” Stan called, thumping up the steps as the others followed him. He could hear the sound of David Bowie coming from Richie’s room as he cracked open the door. “Richie--What the fuck?” He asked. 

Richie was laying on his bed in just his boxers with the half-drunken bottle of vodka cradled in his fist, hanging off the side of his bed. Richie’s head sluggishly picked up as he looked to the others with a huge grin when he immediately sat up. 

“Staniel the manual! Welcome, I didn’t expect you today! Oh shit, you even brought the entire motley crew!” He laughs before he stood up and turned down his music. “Sup my dudes, what brings you over to mi casa?” He asked. 

“Richie, what in the world--are you drinking? You’re underage!” Eddie exclaims before covering his mouth and nose at the pungent smell of alcohol on Richie. 

“Age is but a number, dear Spaghetti.” Richie grins before handing over the bottle when Bev walked up to him. 

“And Jail is just a place.” Eddie resorted, making Richie snorts.

“Yeah and your mom is the perfect woman to fuck.” He comments as Eddie murderously glares at him. 

“Beep Beep, Richie!” He hissed as Stan walked over to Richie’s player and shut it off.

“Hey, I was listening to that!” Richie frowns when Stan crossed his arms over his chest. “What?” He questioned before huffing as he walked over to his dresser so he could get a shirt on… It was cold in his room anyway. 

“You gonna tell us why you’re drinking?” Stan asked quietly, tilting his head to get a better look at Richie.

“Same reason every teenager drinks. Because I was bored and wanted to have some fun.” He points out before slipping on a t-shirt as he snags up the jeans he wore yesterday. 

“You wanna smoke?” Bev asked, pulling out her pack as Richie immediately snagged it off her. 

“What is wrong with you two! You’re gonna get lung cancer and die!” Eddie threw his hands up with a huff.

“Shit maybe then my parents will actually care.” Richie laughs before lighting the cigarette as he opened his window. 

Everyone went dead silent at that. 

“What?” Stan asked as Richie took a puff before feeling the wave of calmness wash over his alcohol riddled mind. 

“The old man and the old lady. They don’t give a fuck about me. Why do you think they’re always leaving? I mean shit… I’m sure they forget about me while they’re out there.” Richie snorts before glancing out the window. “I’d wanna forget about me too if I was them.” He laughs, tossing his head back as it bumped loudly against the sill of the window.

“Jesus, dude,” Bev comments with a frown. “Why didn’t you say anything?” She questioned as Richie glances at her.

“Music.” He comments, standing up again when Stan grabbed his wrist before he could turn the cassette player on. 

“Richie, talk to us. You can’t move past this if you don’t.” Stan comments when Richie laughs.

“Ah, Stanny, I’m one hundred percent fine. I don’t need to talk about anything. Come on. Let’s listen to music or go do something!” He grins when Stan plucks the cigarette from Richie’s lips and put it out on the sill before tossing it out. “Hey!” He huffed.

“I’m done playing this game, Richie. I’ve waited for you to come and tell me on your terms, but you won’t. I know you don’t like to talk about your parents and I get it… I do, but Richie making light of this situation isn’t going to help anyone.” Stan comments when Richie swallowed thickly before moving away.

“Dammit… Why do you have to fucking sober me up like this you asshole?” Richie demanded before thumping down onto the edge of his bed. “Well, I don’t know what you want me to say. My parents leave all the time and I am left with nothing okay? I can’t function like a normal human being sometimes because they decided that since I’m not a girl they can just throw me to the wind.” He snorts, reaching for the bottle as Stan snags it.

“No, you need to be sober,” Stan explains before dumping the rest outside as Richie grits his teeth.

“You know what, Stanley! Fuck you! Okay! Fuck you for being so perfect and having these parents who love you! Fuck you because my parents think the world of you! Think the fucking world of all my friends!” He spat and pushed at Stan who let Richie’s hands continue to make contact with his chest. 

“Richie--” He’s cut off when there was a sob. “It’s not good for you to hold this in,” Stan whispered when Richie slumped against Stan as his body started to shake. 

“I hate you so fucking much… I hate everyone that has parents who love them… Fuck them… Why can’t… Why can’t they love me? What’s wrong with me?” Richie sobs out as Stan’s fingers slowly raked through Richie’s hair. 

“No, Richie. It’s them who have something wrong with them.” Stan comments before looking to see Bev and Eddie standing there. He gestures for them to come over as Bev was the first one to wrap her arms around him when Richie flinched before relaxing into the warmth Bev provided.

“I’m sorry… I just fucking hate talking about this. I’d rather just ignore it.” Richie murmurs, voice muffled since his face was buried in Stanley’s sweater.

“I know, but… sometimes ignoring it only makes it worse.” Bev comments as Eddie wraps his arms around all of them. “Come on, let’s go meet the others. We can all go do something fun!” She grins excitedly as the three of them pulled away from Richie. 

“Yeah, get your mind out of this spiral and away from this empty house!” Eddie points out when Richie scrubs at his curls. 

“Yeah, let me get ready. I’ll meet you guys at the clubhouse.” Richie grins. 

“We’ll meet you at the clubhouse.” Stan corrects as Richie glances at him before looking to Bev and Eddie with a nod.

“Alright, don’t be late. If you aren’t there in two hours I’m coming back to kick your asses.” She calls as she and Eddie head out. 

“You don’t have to stay with me. I was just gonna take a shower and--” Richie’s cut off when Stan looks to him.

“Richie, do you think we don’t love you?” Stan asked instead as Richie blinked for a moment.

“Why do I need you to love me when I have your mom to do it instead?” He grins, earning a glare from Stan.

“Richie, don’t… Look at me. I can’t help you if you push me away.” Stan comments before crossing his arms as Richie glanced down to the floor.

“Look, can we please just drop it?” Richie begged before Stan walked forward and smashed their mouths together before backing them up until they hit Richie’s closet door. Richie’s eyes widened at the feeling before Stan deepened the kiss, making Richie moan from surprise. “What… What the fuck was that?” Richie asked breathlessly. 

“Something I’ve been wanting to do for a very long time,” Stan whispered, throat tightening as Richie’s face flushes. 

“You… You kissed me. You actually wanted to kiss me? But… Why?” Richie’s voice cracks when Stan looks at him.

“Why else would people kiss?” Stan demanded.

“Well in my case, probably to shut me up. Which… you succeed.” He laughs awkwardly. 

“Apparently not. Richie,” Stan’s voice was soft as he cupped Richie’s face gently. “Listen to me.” He begged quietly before smiling at the sight of Richie leaning into the soft touch. “I like you, Richie.” He whispered softly. 

“You… You like me? But I thought you liked Bill?” He questioned, making Stan snort.

“I thought you liked Eddie.” Stan resorted with a quirk of his brow. 

“Eddie-Spaghetti? I mean… I think my feelings for Eddie were a crush. I think they died when he admitted he might have felt something for Bill.” Richie explains when Stan started to laugh. “But… Did you mean it? Like you like me like me?” He questioned.

“What are we five?” Stan quirked an eyebrow as Richie huffed. “Yes, Richie, I like you like you. I actually love you. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to tell you, but I never could. I guess this is a good of a time as any.” He explains when tears flooded down his face as Richie’s hand slowly reached up and took Stan’s wrist in his hand so he could keep the hand on his face.

“Holy shit…” He laughs before looking to Stan with a wobbly grin. “Is this what love is supposed to feel like?” He asked quietly. “I like this feeling. Kiss me again.” He leaned forward as their lips brushed together. 

“I’m guessing that means you like me too?” Stan snorts when Richie nods and kisses him over and over again.

“I do, I love you,” Richie promised before Stan’s other hand came up to cup Richie’s face. “So fucking much.” He smiles at Stan. 

“Good,” Stan smiles back before biting his lip. “Can we hold off on telling the others?” He asked as Richie nods with a gentle frown. “I just… I want you to myself until we figure out how to tell the others about us.” He explains when Richie smiles.

“Fucking sap,” Richie comments before going to pull away only for Stan to tug him against his chest. “St-Stan! I have to go get a shower! We have to go see the others!” He laughs when Stan groans.

“Can’t we just call Bev and tell them you got sick?” Stan asked as Richie gasps. 

“Staniel! Are you suggesting lying to our friends? Oh my god! You’re corrupted! And now you’re corrupting me too!” Richie swoons loudly, making Stan roll his eyes before dropping Richie onto the floor. “Ah! Okay, let’s call her you dick. But you’re talking to her. I’m supposed to be sick.” Richie sing-songs.

“Get in the bed you fucking little gremlin.” He huffs as Richie laughs before crawling onto the bed before looking to Stan who went downstairs and called Bev. 

About three minutes later, Stan came back with a smile on his face. Richie glanced up when Stan flopped down onto the bed with him as the two boys shared a smile. Richie moved before laying his head against Stanley’s chest as Stan watched the ceiling, taking comfort in the silence. 

“Thanks for… for everything. I know I’m a handful sometimes.” Richie mumbles.

“No, Richie, you’re not. Whatever your parents taught you… they’re wrong.” Stan murmurs, running his fingers through Richie’s hair as Richie’s eyes fluttered at the tingling feeling on his scalp. “And I’m gonna make sure you know that you are loved… even if it takes me the rest of our lives.” Stan promised when Richie’s eyes squeezed shut.

He didn’t want to cry anymore… but God… He has no idea what he did to have Stanley actually love him back… but he definitely wasn’t going to complain. Richie smiles softly to himself as Stanley’s fingers continued to comb through his hair when suddenly Richie fell asleep, safe and sound in the arms of someone who loves him. 


End file.
